Hi there!

The first issue that you’re facing is because you’ve accidentally triggered the ‘Zoom’ feature from Accessibility. It happened because that feature was turned on. To trigger it or make it go away, you have to tap twice on the screen using three fingers. To completely disable it, go to Settings > Accessibility > Zoom, and then turn it off from there.

Secondly, you can stop the unwanted landscape mode by locking your screen’s orientation. You can do it from the Control Centre. If the toggle is not present there already, you can add it from Settings > Control Centre.

Lastly, you’re definitely not a dunce! You’ve been rocking Apple gear since the Apple II+, which is seriously impressive. It’s just that technology keeps evolving, sometimes faster than we’d like.

By the way, which iPhone model are you currently using?